America First – Tobago second!
Dear Mr. Trump,
Tobago is beautiful – very beautiful. It is the most beautiful island in the Caribbean – really! We even have some of the most beautiful women in the world – and you know that! Two of them became Miss Universe. Did you like them, Mr. Trump? Did you grab them?
Tobago is rich – very rich. We have oil and gas. Everything is golden – fake gold and real gold. Even our showers are golden. You will love that! Some of our hotel rooms have a golden shower head – some say they look like a pussy. We want you to feel happy when you visit us – very happy!
We are famous for Carnival. The best Carnival in the world. Hot Soca, Calypso, Steel-Bands – and women in short costumes. They are dancing in the streets – all night and day. You will love watching. But please remember, Mr. Trump: Don´t grab them by the pussy! Carnival in Tobago is peaceful – and very special! Trinidad and Tobago first. Brazil only second!
Tobago was conquered by Spain, Latvia, Netherlands, France and England – but never threatened by Mexico. We know how to defend us against Mexico. We have our walls and castles. We have Fort King George! These walls and cannons protect us against Mexico since more than 200 years. We have no problems with rapists and murderers from Mexicans at all. We don´t need Mexicans! We have some of the highest murder rates in the world.
We have some of the highest rates of carbon emissions in the world. We produce the most waste per capita in the entire world. Trinidad and Tobago first – America not even second! And – listen to us: We have the highest Isis recruitment rate in the western hemisphere. Thank you, Mr. Trump for implementing no travel ban against us. You respect us. We like that!
We have Jack Warner. You can learn from him how to make deals. He knew about alternative facts long time before you. He can steal millions without getting indicted or convicted. You can learn a lot from him, Mr. Trump – really a lot.
You should travel to Tobago, Mr. Trump – to get some real tan. Some real nice tan. But don´t overdo it. Real tan makes you look sexy – real tan is better than orange. We are against any kind of racism. We don´t want Orange to be the new Black.
I know that your country is the greatest nation on earth. America First! But in many regards we outscore all countries who claim to be second. So, can´t we just say: Tobago second?